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Love is a verb. Once you come to realize that love is a verb, not a noun, it is easy to see that we don't actually fall into love.  More accurately, we notice a feeling of infatuation or lust and eventually we choose to love.  Sometimes, though, we are oblivious to the growing attraction, and o be clear, we do not choose to whom it is we are attracted that is scripted in our imago. Love is a choice. We are wounded in relationships and we are healed in relationships.   From the moment we are born, we all experience invisible, and sometimes very visible, scars.  We are complex, dependent little beings with a never ending cycle of needs.  Every unmet need causes pain and fear and with few resources available to us as a youngster, we do our best by exercising primitive coping mechanisms.  We have no idea how to stop emotional (and sometimes physical) pain as a child, and we desperately want to feel safe and whole.  We are all at risk of holding an unconscious, but powerful hope, of having our wholeness magically restored by just the perfect partner.  We convince, or more accurately we deceive, ourselves into believing that our partner holds the key to our happiness and it is our job to simply convince them to pull that key out and open the door to everything we want and desire. We become attracted to very particular characteristics in people that tend to show up in each person that we end up loving.  The Imago theory suggests that we fall in love because our old brain confuses our partner for our parents.  The Old Brain remains convinced that your partner is the ideal candidate to make up for the psychological damage you experienced as a child. Imago Therapy Stages of Relationship Development STAGE ONE:  Romantic Love This is the period of attraction that brings two people together, often with passion, intrigue, excitement and anticipation. Our bodies are flooded with a cocktail of hormones and neurotransmitters that serve as love's accomplice in bringing two people together long enough to create a commitment!  While we are in Romantic Love, we only want to focus on our similarities.   It is commonly said by new loves, "I feel like I have known you forever," and "I can't believe how comfortable I feel with you," and "We are so alike," and on and on.  When we fall in love, we often feel as though we are surely the only ones who have ever felt the way we do.  As it turns out, this is quite common, and love often follows fairly predictable stages of development. This does not mean, however, that your love is not amazing and unique.  Of course it is, because you are unique, your partner is unique and what you create is a one-of-a-kind love designed solely by the two of you!  What is not unique are the feelings and frustrations often associated with the development of this very unique and wonderful thing called love.  What we have come to know as 'falling in love' is being viewed by more and more researchers as a chemically-assisted process designed by nature to bring together two people long enough to commit.  Weve known for some time that estrogen and testosterone play a role in the sex drive ' and perhaps without these hormones we would not have the drive to pursue romantic love at all.  A natural feel-good neurotransmitter called Phenylethylaline (PEA) which is also present in chocolate has also been discovered as a contributor to the feel-good nature of love. This neurotransmitter has the ability to heighten our sense of pleasure.  Everything literally tastes better, sounds better, feels better, and smells better.  Our sensory experience is on overdrive and we are taking in the world through all of our senses with an attitude of love and hope and optimism which allows us to see the very best of what we experience. When we first fall in love, most of us experience similar sensations which include:  an unexplainable giddiness, a racing heart, flushed skin and sweaty palms. According to researchers such as Helen Fisher, this is due to the dopamine, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine we release.  Dopamine is the chemical thought to account for our sense of pleasure, and the feeling of bliss.  LLike adrenaline, norepinephrine produces the racing heart and excitement.  When combined, dopamine and norepinephrine produce a sense of elation, intense energy, sleeplessness, a craving for the object of our affection, decreased appetite and increased and focused attention. By using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), researchers are able to literally view people's brains while they are looking at a photograph of their loved one. According to Helen Fisher, well-known anthropological love-researcher, and author of  Why We Love:  The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, fMRI scans reveal an increased blood flow in areas of the brain with high concentrations of receptors for dopamine -- associated with states of euphoria, craving and addiction. These high levels of dopamine are also associated with norepinephrine, which heightens attention, short-term memory, hyperactivity, sleeplessness and goal-oriented behavior.  Researchers in London, at the University College London discovered that people in love have lower levels of serotonin and suppressed neural circuits which are associated with the way we assess others. Ironically, lower serotonin levels are the same as those found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders, suggesting an explanation for why those in love "obsess" about their partner. Another chemical accomplice to the process of love is Oxytocin.  This is the hormone released when two people in love have sex.  This hormone has been shown to be associated with the ability to maintain healthy interpersonal relationships and healthy psychological boundaries with other people.  When Oxytocin is released during orgasm, this hormone begins creating an emotional bond -- the more sex, the greater the bond. Oxytocin is also associated with mother/infant bonding, uterine contractions during labor in childbirth and the "let down" reflex necessary for breastfeeding. Vasopressin, an antidiuretic hormone, is another chemical that has been associated with the formation of long-term, monogamous relationships (see "Are We Alone in Love?"). Dr. Fisher believes that Oxytocin and vasopressin interfere with the dopamine and norepinephrine pathways, which might explain why passionate love fades as attachment grows. Endorphins, the body's natural painkillers, also play a key role in long-term relationships. They produce a general sense of well-being, including feelings of security, comfort and peacefulness. Like dopamine and norepinephrine, endorphins are released during sex; they are also released during physical contact, exercise and other activities. According to Michel Odent of London's Primal Health Research Center, endorphins induce a "drug-like dependency." And then the drugs slowly dissipate.  AAnd you've lost that lovin' feeling, whoa that lovin' feeling' Ted Huston at the st1:place w:st="on"> University of Texas suggests through his research that the speed at which a courtship progresses often determines the long-term success of the relationship. His team discovered a positive link between the length of courtship and the long-term strength of the relationship.  Passion, however, is another story.  Studies have shown that passionate love fades quickly and is nearly gone after two or three years. PEA "the love drug" is said to exist for 3-9 months on average which is just enough time to secure a commitment between two people.  A commitment may be moving in together, marriage, defining yourself as a "couple," may be combining finances, or any number of other steps taken to combine lives in a meaningful way.  Once the commitment is made, the power struggle begins to slowly surface. The love cocktail - magically self-generating at the start of a relationship, eventually runs dry.  The romantic stage is aided by this love cocktail and without it, couples are faced with the reality, and the humanity, of their once-considered invincible partner.  Though it may feel as though over time your partner has actually changed - possibly become less attractive, developed some terrible habits, and lost all sensitivity or romance - the truth is you are likely just now able to see him clearly, and he is able to see you clearly. When the love cocktail runs dry and you find yourself suddenly committed to a partner that you are able to see - flaws and all - disappointment often takes center stage.  When this happens, a natural and predictable struggle will surface which Hendricks calls the Power Struggle - which is the next stage in the Imago theory of relationship development. Don't fret.  You can continue to rely on the production of some of these feel-good chemicals.  The reliable endorphins, for example, are still present to provide a sense of well-being and security.  Also, with sexual activity you can also keep producing oxytocin which as a reminder will assist in maintaining feelings of satisfaction and attachment.   One of the many reasons it is advisable to keep your sex life alive. STAGE II:  Power Struggle As time progresses and the chemicals fade, so too does our extreme focus on all of the ways we are similar to our partner.  In fact, this stage marks the onset of exactly the opposite behavior - an intense examination of all of the many ways we are different.  In the Power Struggle stage, our differences naturally emerge and become the primary focus of our attention.. When these differences emerge, and our commitment is in place, the power struggle is on.  The commitment allows us to disagree.  Prior to an agreement to be a couple, we are too busy securing the relationship to fuss about our differences! Ironically, we often pick a partner that has a difficult time meeting our needs.  When the fantasy of our perfect partner begins to falter, we fight to regain what we believed we once had ' to regain the illusion of the perfect fit, the perfect match without the presence of unique and valuable differences. Over time, we begin to see qualities in our partner that we can't bear.  We are even irritated by qualities that we once admired.  When this occurs, it is safe to say that our OLD HURTS are effectively reactivated.  Once our Old Hurts (our original pain that we all experience in some form or fashion during childhood) are reactivated, we stop responding in the present and often regress to coping mechanisms we used as a child.  If you remember, these are typically very primitive skills and include basic old brain responses such as fight, flight, freeze, hide, and submit. STAGE III:  Real Love Real love is what we have come to associate with unconditional. This unconditional love, however, includes unconditional giving, receiving, valuing, and it leads to a spiritual intimacy that is deeper and more stable than that of romantic love and romance. This comes from really knowing ourselves, and really knowing our partners. Real Love is a non-defensive way of relating which evolves from feeling safe, and good enough, and healed with our partner. Real Love allows us to live with full aliveness and joy. Real Love involves no expectations in the way we relate. It is a natural connectedness and oneness that respects the individuality of each partner without moving to change one another into clones of oneself. Real Love is spontaneous and free. It's the greatest gift we have to give one another.  feeling safe each partner feels good enough partners feel whole partners respect the individuality spontaneous and free living with full aliveness and joy       SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENTfont> ONLINE 24/7/big>   2680 E Main St Suite 121, Plainfield, IN 46168 317.517.0065 or email me